Why men don’t want to commit to you and what to do about it
Real-world tips and scientific insights on how to get men to settle down with you
Author: Chris Blonk
So he doesn’t want to commit? I’ve been the guy who did not commit to any woman, yet ironically, I’ve also been committed to a few women in my lifetime. Here I will share my personal opinions and insights on why men don’t commit and how you can get them to commit. I will try to blend in scientific insights where I can since that’s my background. Even though I realize that I might come across as mansplaining here, I hope you will give me the benefit of the doubt. I hope this can help some frustrated women out there and give you the results you want. I do feel your pain and I truly want to help you reach your goals. I hope my male point of view can be an added benefit in some ways.
NOTE:
The following content consists of selected chapters from the book Commitment Secrets. Get the entire book here
I define commitment in this context as ”defining the relationship as primary, and establishing clear rules around sexual and romantic fidelity”. Commitment exists on a spectrum from not being committed at all, to being married with children and promising to be together until one of you dies. What level of commitment you want is up to you to decide. In my personal opinion, women often use several different strategies to obtain commitment successfully. Let’s rank them!
Ranking 10 common strategies to get commitment, from best to worst
Asking him for commitment
This is hands down the best move. So often, women want exclusivity and commitment but are afraid to ask for it, or if they ask, they aren’t clear enough. The huge benefit of this approach is that you can get commitment directly by following this step. Sometimes he is already interested in defining the relationship with you, but he’s just scared to ask. So flip the script and ask him! If he says he’s not ready, or he doesn’t want to define the relationship, this gives you crucially important information. Perhaps he needs more time, but more likely you’re wasting your valuable time with the wrong guy. The sooner you can move on to another guy, the better it is, as it improves the speed at which you can reach your goal of obtaining commitment. Because this is such a huge potential time-saver and clarifies where you are with a guy immediately, I rate this method a 10/10.
Attempting to make yourself more attractive
Is it time to re-evaluate what you bring to the table? Working on improving ourselves can be difficult and tedious, and what kind of woman do men even find attractive? Men have different tastes, but there are a few factors that are extremely important when most men look for long-term partners. The most important is health, which can be split in two; physical and mental health. Both are extremely important when a man evaluates you for long-term viability. Because improving your physical and mental health not only makes you a more desirable long-term partner but improves your life in general, I rate this strategy a 9/10.
Making him jealous
When women think about commitment, it’s often seen as a path toward feeling more emotionally secure in the relationship. It’s more common for a man to use commitment as a tool to ensure that you don’t have sex with others. We know through studies that men, on average, feel more hurt by physical cheating, and women, on average, feel more hurt by emotional cheating. Those are averages, so of course every man and woman is different when we look at each individual. You might feel different about it than the average woman. Still, it’s good to be aware of these average gender differences. If you give a man 100% of your sexual exclusivity without him having to do anything, why should he want to commit himself? He already receives what he wants without sacrificing anything. But if you continue to meet other guys casually, he might feel uncomfortable with that, and therefore you have now created a strong incentive for him to propose some kind of sexual exclusivity. He might then propose to be mutually sexually exclusive to not be an unfair hypocrite. Decide based on your own ethical values if you’re okay with using this approach. If you do decide to use it, ensure that it doesn’t come across like a trick, but that you genuinely enjoy meeting these other guys casually too. If he senses that you’re trying to manipulate him, it will backfire and make you seem desperate and manipulative. So only use it if you actually enjoy meeting other guys casually too. If you do, then I rate this approach an 8/10.
Dating around without a clear goal, figuring that commitment will happen at some point if it’s meant to be
This is the “go with the flow” option. While this strategy may seem unfocused and silly at first, it has several good things going for it. The best thing about it is that it tends to be good for your mental health. When you don’t expect anything, you reduce the chance of getting disappointed. Good mental health is universally very attractive to most men. Another fantastic benefit of this approach is that it makes you seem less needy and desperate. Neediness and desperation can turn anyone off, so avoiding that is important. However, since the approach lacks direction and focus, I can only give it a 7/10.
Looking for a guy that already seems ready for commitment
“You need to do a better job screening!” is a common refrain you’ve probably heard from your friends. Look for some green flags that he’s ready for commitment. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to figure out if these signs are honest or if he’s just misleading you. I wrote about decoding such signs here. It’s definitely good to evaluate where you meet men, evaluate their dating profile text, see how they talk to you during the first date, and so on. If you only meet men on Tinder or in a nightclub, it might be a good idea to broaden your horizons. It’s a really good strategy, but because it leaves you vulnerable to deception from lying men, I rate this strategy a 6/10.
Having exciting casual sex with a guy repeatedly
Some women want to delay sex until marriage. But what if you just have sex with him a lot and then hopefully he will fall in love with you and want commitment? This strategy can definitely work, but it can also fail spectacularly. You might end up having a lot of casual sex with men who are looking for casual sex and never want to commit. The upside is that many men are open to both casual sex and a long-term committed relationship depending on the girl. And if he feels like you’re an amazing girl giving him amazing sex, then he’s much more likely to want to choose you. He may want to convert your casual fling into something more. Since this approach is very risky, and also depends on how good you are in the bedroom and your overall sexual compatibility with the guy, I rate it a 5/10.
Attempting to please the guy you’re dating so that he will like you more
I call this strategy “the pleaser”. It sometimes works because the guy can fall in love with how well you’re treating him and make him feel extremely loved. It’s definitely not a bad move if he’s also treating you well. The problem with the strategy is if it’s one-sided. This can make you seem needy and desperate, and make him wonder if he might be able to find someone better. He might also get the impression that you don’t value yourself that highly, and he might therefore begin to value you less as well. That’s why I only recommend doing this if he’s also treating you really well. Due to the many potential downsides, I rate this strategy a 4/10.
Aiming lower and finding a guy that’s not as attractive
Also known as “settling”. This advice is typically given by men to women. “Just aim lower!” You might have heard that you have too high standards, or that you’re too superficial when selecting partners. The argument goes as follows: A less attractive man will find you more attractive compared to himself, and just see you as a better catch for something long-term. Now there is definitely some validity to this. From my personal experience, feeling like I can do “better” is definitely something that reduces the chance that I will be interested in committing to someone. But on the other hand, it’s not great for long-term success if you’re not that happy with your partner either. Maybe you will be the one to leave him in the end because you’re not fully attracted to him. Because of this, I only rate this strategy a 3/10.
Going for older men
Based on my experience, I believe that fully grown men tend to be more open to commitment compared to younger men. Most men that I’ve talked to want to settle down around 30 years old or older. So if you’re younger than 30 yourself, it could be good to aim for older men in that age range. Note: It’s probably smart to avoid very large age gaps. If the age difference is very large, he will probably not consider you a good fit for a committed relationship. Most likely he will only see you as a casual sex option. Aiming around your own age, or going slightly older than your own age, is usually beneficial when you want commitment. Obviously, his age alone is no guarantee for him to want commitment, which is why I only give this approach a 2/10.
Demanding commitment through an ultimatum
“Either you commit to me or I leave!” This common ultimatum is a cliché at this point. On the plus side, it creates scarcity. You threaten to take away your connection, creating an incentive to keep you around. Humans are irrationally loss-avoidant, meaning that we all tend to dislike losing things, more than we like to gain an equal amount. So he may commit to you for a while to avoid losing you. The downside of this strategy is that you likely come across as needy, desperate, and controlling. If he commits to you due to an ultimatum, it’s usually a short-lived affair. As soon as he knows he has you back under his thumb, he will usually go back to his old ways. I can only rate this strategy a lousy 1/10.
What is commitment?
The most common reasons why some men don’t want to commit in general
Fear of missing out
This is probably the most common reason why men don’t want to commit. Committing to one woman means giving up the opportunity to have sex with, or date, other women. If you are the only option he has available now, that’s probably fine, but what about if a very attractive woman hits on him? Now he will have to turn her down and that can be awkward, painful, and fill him with regret. He only has one life, and giving up the opportunity to have sex with other attractive women can feel like a huge sacrifice to some men.
Fear of choosing the wrong woman
What if he chooses to settle down with you, but for some reason or another, you’re not the “one”? He may believe that there’s possibly a better match out there for him. It’s common to not be 100% certain if your partner is the right choice, and if that feeling becomes strong enough, it can prevent a guy from wanting to commit.
Fear of getting their heart broken
If a man comes from a home with parents who divorced, or he has experienced a tough heartbreak or two himself, it’s natural that he might be extra afraid of getting his heart broken. To protect himself from being rejected, he might keep his own emotional investment low so that he doesn’t risk a painful heartbreak. He might think it’s better to not commit, even if this means that he loses out on relationships. To such men, the pain of heartbreak is seen as worse than the equivalent potential gain in a relationship. This is also due to the loss-aversion bias, which we mentioned earlier.
Common reasons why he may not want to commit to you in particular
Did I mention this article might be somewhat painful and triggering to read? No? Consider this your warning, because we’re getting into the more personal stuff here. If you’re easily triggered or have a lot of insecurities, you may want to stop reading now. Otherwise, proceed cautiously. You’ve been warned.
He might not find you physically attractive enough
We’re keeping it brutally honest here. He may find you attractive, but he may also think that he can get someone even more physically attractive than you. Men typically have much lower standards for casual sex compared to women they would date seriously. A man can often have sex with women he thinks are “okay” looking, even though he would never in a thousand years date them seriously. Men have different tastes, and just because one man feels this way about you, doesn’t mean you’re automatically unattractive in general. Maybe you need to find a guy that thinks that you’re more his type. If you’re overweight or obese, then this might also be a contributing factor to him not finding you attractive. Men typically find women within the healthiest BMI range, the most attractive. But of course, some men also prefer larger women. If he doesn’t want to commit, don’t automatically assume it’s due to your appearance, as it could easily be something else. But beware of red flag statements such as “you’re not the type of girl I’d normally go for” or if he tries to get you to work out or diet.
He might have concerns about your mental health
A lot of men are looking for a woman who can provide a sense of emotional stability. This is especially important for commitment. If he feels like you have huge mood swings, going from happy to sad, or from friendly to angry very quickly, he probably will feel quite uncomfortable committing to you. I recommend that you go to therapy if you have an unstable mood, especially if mood swings happen frequently when you’re with him. Having a stable mood promotes trust and safety - key things most men want in a committed relationship.
He might feel insecure about your sexual or romantic past, or your current promiscuity
Across cultures, men tend to prefer women with less sexual experience (Buss, 1989). Most men also realize that they cannot be hypocrites here, so oftentimes they will say that they prefer women who have either the same number of past partners as themselves or fewer. If you’re a woman with a lot of sex partners in your past, you may consider trying to find men who are quite experienced as well. For some men, having had fewer past sex partners than you can trigger their insecurities. They may wonder if they’re good enough for you given their lesser experience in the bedroom. They may believe that you have a higher likelihood of cheating or leaving them. This might seem outdated and misogynistic, but these views still prevail. However, some men don’t hold these views. You might get a feel for how sexually open-minded he is by discussing this topic directly or indirectly. Men can differ wildly in their views on this. Another thing to be aware of is how you present yourself on dating apps or social media. If you regularly post sexy images online, he will likely see you as a casual sex partner and not someone he wants to commit to, because he will likely be worried about you cheating with guys who swarm your inbox.
He might feel that you’re desperate
If you treat him like he can do better than you, he will likely start to believe that he can do better too. Neediness and insecurity are normal and part of any romantic relationship, but if he feels like it’s too much, it can be a problem. He may get the sense that you just want to get married and have children and that you don’t care who it’s with as long as you reach those goals. This is not reassuring as it leaves him vulnerable to you leaving him once your goals have been achieved. Perhaps you told him on the first date that you want marriage and children. This can come across as desperate and it can also make men feel pressured, which actually makes them less likely to commit.
He might feel like he can’t trust you
Lying is perhaps the biggest red flag there is, apart from cheating. So if he has caught you lying, or believes you’re lying, there’s a really good chance that he won’t commit to you. On the other hand, if you consistently do what you say you will do, and you keep being honest and real with him, he will probably feel like he can trust you. This will typically make him more open to commitment. If you have a habit of exaggerating claims or making small lies, I encourage you to seek out therapy to address these habits if you want commitment.
Common pitfalls
If guys tell you that they don’t want anything serious, believe them the first time
Guys will often tell you very early during the first or second date, or even on the dating app, that they’re not looking to settle down, that they aren’t looking for anything serious, or that they’re not ready to commit. They may even give you perfectly valid reasons for their stance. They might say that they just got out of a relationship for example. Stay clear of these guys. A common mistake is to begin dating them casually in the hopes of them wanting to commit later on. But this is very unlikely. You’re most likely wasting your time. So I recommend avoiding men who say this at all costs.
Believing his promises while ignoring his behavior
If a guy likes you enough to want to keep dating you, but he doesn’t want to commit, he may begin saying that he needs more time or that he isn’t sure yet. If it’s still within the first 3 months of dating that’s fine, but if he doesn’t follow through after this time it’s best to believe his actions, not his words. Ever heard the saying “actions speak louder than words?” Don’t believe men who say they want to commit but never actually do it. He may even beg for you not to leave him. But don’t fall for this. After a while, he needs to shit or get off the pot. Leave these guys if you notice that he repeatedly falls short of his promises. For example, if he talks a big talk but doesn’t follow through.
Trying to change your guy
This is another common dealbreaker many men have for commitment. Do not try to change him! For example, let’s say he has a lifestyle you don’t fully approve of. For example, you may not like his low ambition, you may want him to dress better, or you may try to get him to eat healthier, play less video games, change his religion, or stop using drugs or alcohol. If you try to change your man, you’re signaling to him that you don’t actually like him for who he is. You’re trying to change him into the dream man that lives inside your head. Don’t engage in these fixer-upper projects. Decide if you want to date a man based on who he is today. Not who you want him to be tomorrow. If who he is today is unacceptable to you, then don’t date him!
The commitment action-plan
If you want a plan for you to achieve your goal of getting commitment. Here are some things you should consider doing:
Therapy
Use therapy if
You experience deep emotional pain because you’re not getting commitment from men, or from one particular man.
You have large mood swings
You tend to make small lies and exaggerated statements
You tend to act needy and desperate in relationships
You feel like you’re suffering
You overeat, don’t eat enough, or don’t get enough sleep
If the repeated rejection is getting too painful
If you struggle to be your best self in the bedroom, due to sexual trauma or sexual shame
Exercise & eat healthy
Exercise is a fantastic way to improve your mental health, which makes you more attractive. There’s a great book on this topic, called Spark, which is all about how exercise influences your brain and mood. Eating well and exercising also has the added bonus of making you more desirable as a long-term partner in terms of your physical appearance as well.
Date casually
Dating casually is a great way to meet many men. I realize that “dating casually” might seem like the opposite of getting commitment. But if you’re currently in a non-committed relationship, dating casually with other men can make you less desperate and make the primary guy you’re dating desire commitment more because an element of jealousy has been added to the mix. If you’re currently single, then dating casually can most definitely lead to a relationship. Just keep in mind that most casual dating scenarios don’t. But that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to eliminate this potential path to a committed relationship altogether. Rejection always hurts. But if we don’t risk some rejection we will never reach our goal. No risk, no reward.
Look outside the dating apps
By meeting guys outside of dating apps, you can usually find more guys who are long-term oriented. On dating apps, men can feel like they have endless options and this can lead them to want to avoid settling down with any one girl. So I strongly encourage you to try to meet men in the real world. Whether you approach them at a café or bar, or you meet them at work or a social event, there are many ways to meet men outside of apps. But try to avoid nightclubs as they also have a reputation for being hook-up oriented.
Leave men who can’t commit within 3 months of dating them
Have you been seeing a guy for 3 months or longer, and he still isn’t able to commit to you? Then he likely never will. It’s best to leave him so that you can be more efficient with your search for a committed partner. A 2-month cut-off is also fine. Don’t be afraid to ask for some sort of exclusivity when you feel like he’s getting emotionally invested.
Avoid guys who are uncomfortable with your sexual past
This is such a common reason for men to fear commitment that I recommend avoiding guys who seem to be insecure about this. If they can’t fully accept your sexual past they will probably never want to commit to you. Leave these guys for the less experienced women out there. You will save yourself a lot of time and pain by ending it quickly with these men.
Make guys feel like you’re picky about who you have sex with
I think it’s generally best to make the guy wait a little bit before you have sex with him, and make him “earn it”. This way, he will feel like you’re not easy, and he will therefore feel safer committing to you. Remember that many men are afraid of physical cheating, so if you can establish strong boundaries, that might turn him on for commitment. Now, you want to be careful here. If you say something like “well, I used to let guys fuck me on the first date, but now I don’t do that anymore because I am looking for commitment”, then you most likely just blew your chances with that guy. What he will likely take from such a statement is that you find other men more sexually desirable than him. You let those guys have sex with you sooner, and you’re making him wait because you’re just not that into him. It’s better to not mention much about your past sexual behavior as he’s likely to picture it in his mind. I also recommend that you do not post sexy images online or on dating apps, as this sends a message that you’re open to sexual activity with other men.
Try not to take rejection personally, and try to learn from it
Rejection is an integral part of dating that we cannot avoid. It is also something that is almost universally experienced as painful. You might get rejected because of something you did or said, or because you chose the wrong guy. It may not have much to do with your attractiveness level or your personality. Try to see rejection as feedback to learn and grow from. The only way to improve a skill is to try and fail repeatedly. Dating and obtaining commitment is also a skill. Failing is a great teacher, as long as you actually absorb the lessons instead of taking rejection too personally.
Summary
He doesn’t want to commit? There are many strategies you can use to get commitment from a man, but not all are equally effective. We’ve focused on improving your attractiveness level to men who want commitment, as well as improving your partner selection strategies. I hope that you find some of this information useful. If you have any feedback I would be happy to hear it.
This text has been some selected chapters from the book Commitment Secrets. Get the entire book to fully master the art of commitment:
