Is it just sex or more? Signs he wants more than sex
The most complete guide to decoding his intentions
Author: Chris Blonk
Navigating the dating world can be challenging, and one of the most common questions that women have is whether or not someone is truly interested in them for more than just physical attraction. In this article, I will blend scientific insights with my personal, hetero-male experience as both a past player and long-term partner, and my experience working as a dating photographer. I will decode the intentions of a potential partner and help you determine if it is just sex or more. We will go through some signs he wants more than sex. My goal is for this to be the most comprehensive breakdown of this question you will find on the internet. If you happen to find something more in-depth, I encourage you to contact me so I can update this article.
What percentage of men want casual sex versus a long-term relationship?
Here is a breakdown based on a Pew Research Survey of Single Americans:
56% are looking for either casual sex or a relationship.
22% are looking for casual sex only.
22% are looking for a committed relationship only.
What do we do with this information? Well, you should always assume that only a portion of men are actively looking for whatever you’re looking for. This is good knowledge to set your expectations. Don’t assume all men are looking for the same as you. Don’t be surprised if you encounter a lot of men who are looking for something different. Here I will make another claim:
Men are more likely to look for casual sex than women
The Pew Research shows that while 22% of men say they’re looking for casual dating only, for women that number was 16%. Women are also much more likely to look for a serious relationship only (36% versus 22% for men). We know that men are more likely to be open to casual sex than women. We also know that men on average prefer more sex partners in their lifetimes than women. If we only ask single men on an app like Tinder for example, I suspect the difference between men and women is even more extreme, and far more men than women want casual sex. This causes a problem for women who want something long-term and committed. Should you wait to have sex until you’re married?
So how do you find out what a guy is looking for? Let’s begin before even meeting the man. Are there any signs you could look for during this stage? Yes, there are. But keep the following in mind:
Signs are never 100% accurate
How can I say that? Well, remember that gay men sometimes marry women! So even marriage is not a definitive sign with 100% accuracy. All we can do is look for the signs, and make an overall best guess based on as many signs as possible. Now that this is out of the way, let’s look at some of these signs that can help us make a good guess.
Where you met matters
You could meet a long-term partner anywhere, truly. However, men who are looking for something casual tend to be found in two places:
Tinder
Nightclubs & bars
So if you found your date at a late-night rave party, or on Tinder a late Saturday night, you will be smart to guess that he probably wants to keep this casual only. If you want to find men who are more likely to want something serious, then it might be better to look in the following places:
Dating apps & sites that focus more on personality
In your group of friends or extended social circle
Social hangouts and meet-ups
Organized sports, interest groups, hobby groups, or in the gym
At work or school
In other social media
Since a lot of people meet on dating apps these days, let’s specifically address some things you can look for on his profile to help you guess what he’s looking for. These signs are not guarantees, but they’re indicators that can help you get a better estimate.
Clues from his dating profile
Shirtless pictures? More likely casual
He says he wants something serious in his bio? More likely serious
Party pictures? More likely casual
Any sexual jokes or sexual references? More likely casual
Pictures of him in the gym? More likely casual
He’s on vacation? More likely casual
Next, let’s discuss what kind of guy he is, as this can further give you clues as to what he’s looking for. It’s important to evaluate the culture or state in which he grew up since countries and states differ wildly in their attitudes towards casual sex. Some cultures see casual sex as completely fine and others see it as taboo. If the guy comes from a sexually open-minded culture, it’s actually more likely that he is looking for casual sex, compared to a guy that grew up in a sexually conservative culture. Vox has made some fantastic maps and graphs that indicate attitudes toward sex in different parts of the world. His religion also plays a part in developing his attitudes toward casual sex. That is all to say:
The more sexually open-minded his cultural background, the more likely he is to look for casual sex
Furthermore, I’ve noticed a clear trend with age. Young men tend to value more casual sex, and the older they get, the more likely they are to value a relationship or to be open to either option. Of course, many older men just want casual sex and many young men want a committed relationship. But it’s still a trend to be aware of. Again, I don’t have any study to back this up because I couldn’t find any (Psychology students, get on this!), so let’s leave this as a tentative concept. Still, there are a lot of real-world anecdotes to back this up and something I’ve noticed in myself as well as many of my friends. Here is how you might break down a typical mindset for men across different ages:
Ages 15 - 17: More likely to be interested in committed relationships
Ages 18 - 28: More likely to be interested in casual sex, but open to committing to a woman if he really likes her
Ages 28 - 120: More likely to be interested in committed relationships, or open to both options
Remember, that these are generalizations and do not apply to everyone. Still, I do want to state that my belief is currently that:
The older the man, the more likely he is to want a committed relationship
Evaluating first-date behavior
Let’s say you’ve met on a first date. Things went really well, and now after the first date you’re left wondering; what are his intentions? Let’s look at some clues from the first date.
Did he invite you to his place? Probably casual sex
Did he try to have sex with you? Probably casual sex
Did he talk about sex as a topic? Probably casual sex
When you evaluate signs, behavior always trumps words. Let’s say he invites you home and he says he “doesn’t just want to have sex with you” but then he takes you home and has sex with you, his behavior might reveal his true intentions.
Evaluating his behavior after the first date and beyond
Okay, you just had a great first date. Now what? The longer you wait, the more time you have to evaluate his intentions, and the more signs you can read. So in essence, patience is a good thing when being good at evaluating what a guy wants. Keep in mind it’s normal for guys to not message you for the first 2-3 days to not seem desperate. So try not to read too much into it if that happens.
Typical casual behaviors
He texts you only late at night
When he asks you out, he wants to meet either at his place or your place, so you can go straight to having sex within a short time
When you meet up, it’s usually mostly about the sex
He meets you only rarely, once a week or less. He makes excuses for why he can’t meet more often. He might say he’s busy with work.
He’s not that responsive with texting. He uses texts mostly just to meet you.
He’s still using dating apps
He doesn’t want to define the relationship
He will go long periods without replying to your messages (more than 1 day)
After sex, he doesn’t seem much interested in cuddling or continuing to hangout
He seems emotionally withdrawn or guarded. He gives vague answers to your questions.
Typical relationship-oriented behaviors
His effort when it comes to texting increases over time
He wants to meet you more than once a week and tries to increase it gradually to twice or thrice per week.
He asks you if you’re seeing other people
He asks you if you’re still using dating apps
He has no hesitancy when talking about compatibility subjects, such as if you want kids, views on marriage, and views on where to live in the future
After sex, he enjoys cuddling with you and hanging out for prolonged periods, usually for several hours even without any sexual interaction
He seems enthusiastic to be around you
How about just asking him?
This is probably the best tip in this entire article. Ask him! Ask him what he’s looking for in general, and ask how he feels about this situation between you two. Now, there are some pitfalls to be aware of, namely, vague responses and lies. Let’s address each of those. The sooner you ask him what he’s looking for, the better it usually is, since if you get a straight answer - and there’s a mismatch between what you want, then you save yourself a lot of time and trouble.
How to decipher vague responses
You might have heard these before if you’re experienced with dating men. He might say something like:
“I am just going with the flow”
“I take it day by day”
“I’m not looking for anything in particular”
“It depends on the person I meet and the chemistry”
What do these statements mean? Well, they’re not saying much of anything. That means he either has not made up his mind about his specific intentions with you yet or, more likely, he is looking for something casual! Yes, these statements really mean “looking for something casual” most of the time. So why would guys just not say that they want something casual? Why do they give these vague responses? Well, the answer is simple: They don’t want to get rejected and lose their hard-won opportunity to get in your pants.
How to avoid lies and get him to tell the truth
There are a few ways to reduce the chances that a guy will lie to you when you ask him what he’s looking for.
Ask him direct questions
Some women make the mistake of asking an indirect question. Such as “where do you see this going?” or “how do you feel about us?” These questions can be answered indirectly, leaving you with vague responses or lies. It’s better to ask him straight-up direct questions such as “are you looking for casual sex or something serious?” this is much more likely to give you a real answer because it’s harder to weasel your way out of such a direct question. Don’t accept vague answers to direct questions. Just keep asking him the direct question until you get a straight answer.
Give him the impression that you’re okay with any answer
The incentive to lie comes from the opportunity to lose an opportunity with you if he speaks the truth. By giving him the impression that you’re open to both casual sex or a relationship or anything in between, you took away his incentive to lie and he’s more likely to be honest and truthful. I know this can be a bit deceptive on your own end so you have to make a decision if you are ethically okay with that.Hide what you are looking for
If you come out early and tell him what you’re looking for, any scheming manipulator will use that information to their benefit. If they know you want to get married, they will say they want to get married too. If you say you want children, they will say they want children too, and so on. To avoid giving manipulators information they can use against you, you can consider hiding what you’re looking for early on. Then you reduce the risk of him just telling you what you want to hear. He won’t know what you want to hear because you haven’t told him yet. Another way to accomplish this goal is to ask him very early what he is looking for before he knows your intentions.
How to interpret confusing signs
Are you still confused? That could be because the guy might show some signs of wanting something casual, and other signs of wanting something serious. How do we handle that? There are two main ways:
Newer signs are more important
You always want to give more weight to the latest evidence. If he showed a lot of signs of wanting something casual early on, but he’s lately showing more signs of wanting something serious, then assume he’s more likely to want something serious. The flip side is also true: If he showed more signs of wanting something serious early on, but now shows signs of wanting to keep it casual, assume that he wants to be casual.
Actions speak louder than words
If his words are saying one thing, and his behavior is saying something else, then give more weight to his behavior when evaluating his intentions. It’s easy to lie and mislead people with words. It’s much harder to do so with behavior because it requires considerably more effort and is harder to fake.
Undecided men
Some men show confusing signs because they’re undecided about you. Early in the dating process, this is very normal and healthy. Many would call it desperate if he wanted to make things exclusive from the first date. So it’s normal and healthy to want to take his time to get to know you a little bit before making up his mind. However, the longer time passes the worse it is if he is undecided. Here is a rough guideline that can help you out, but keep in mind this is just my own perspective; it will depend a lot on your cultural environment and your own tolerance for waiting.
Weeks 1-4: Normal and healthy to be unsure
Weeks 5 - 10: He should be leaning more towards a clear decision, or have already made up his mind about what he wants
Weeks 11+: If he doesn’t know what he wants at this point, then he’s probably not ready for a committed relationship and you should assume that he wants to keep it casual.
You have to also evaluate his reasons for hesitancy. Some men have been deeply hurt by their cheating or abusive exes, or they are terrified of what their parents might think about you because you might have a different skin color or religious background. Another common reason for hesitancy is fear of missing out with other women. So I encourage you to consider all these factors as well. Some men are also trying to convince themselves to get more feelings for you, even though that’s a fool’s errand. Check out our article Why doesn’t he make a move, for more info on this topic. They might be “trying” to get feelings, and that rarely, if ever, works. If you really want to get into a committed relationship, then you could also follow this guideline:
If you want something serious, don’t settle for “maybe” guys. Go for guys who are “hell yes” about you!
Summary
There are no signs that can tell you with 100% accuracy if it’s just sex or something more. There are, however, many signs he wants more than sex, that can lead you to make a really good guess. You could of course ask him, but beware of how you ask and remember that he could be misleading you. It’s normal for guys to be unsure about what they want in the beginning, but the more time you give him, the more data you can gather about his intentions and the more sure he will typically become. If you want something serious, consider not settling for guys who are “maybe” about you after a certain amount of time. Go for the “hell yes” guys! How long you think it’s appropriate to wait for him to make up is mind is up to you.
