Should women wait until marriage to have sex?
The misleading science of marital satisfaction, and your chances of getting married
Author: Chris Blonk
When discussing abstinence online, many refer to this study that shows that the longer people wait to have sex, the better it is for the relationship. Brigham Young University sponsored this research and it is affiliated with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (also known as the Mormon Church), which is known to advocate sexual abstinence before marriage. This is just one example of such studies and sites that are created or funded by religious groups to further their narrative that abstinence until marriage is good for people. But what can we deduce from the research that has been done? Is it good or bad to wait until marriage to have sex?
One study from the University of Texas followed 1659 sibling pairs over many years, from they were on average 16 to 29 years old. What did they find?
Staying a virgin has virtually no impact on your chances of getting married
In their data, they show that people who lost their virginity very early in life (14 years or younger) had just as much chance of getting married as those who waited until later to have sex. So if marriage is your goal, it doesn’t seem to matter if you wait to have sex. At least not in The United States, where the study was conducted. Being a virgin until marriage may be more important in certain religious groups within the United States, or more sexually conservative countries. For the graph below, note that “Early timing of first sex” is considered 14 or younger, “On Time” was considered between 15 and 19, and “Late”, is any age above 19.
Here is the second major finding:
Waiting until marriage to have sex, has likely no direct impact on marriage satisfaction
As often in this type of research, the study author has tried to mislead us. The following graph illustrates the correlation between relationship satisfaction and the timing of losing virginity.
Do you notice anything suspicious about this graph they used?
The y-axis on the left starts at 11 instead of zero. This unethical trickery with displaying data is done to make the strength of the relationship seem much stronger than it is. It is much less impressive to show a graph that looks flat.
Even if the data is correct, which we must question given the unethical presentation of the data, this is a very small difference. Women can expect a relationship satisfaction drop from 13.5 to 12%. Hardly anything to write home about, and a toss-up in the real world. Note that this is a correlation we’re talking about. So there is absolutely zero evidence to suggest a causal effect here.
There could be other reasons for this number. For example, people who have sex younger may also grow up in poorer neighborhoods, and therefore their relationship satisfaction level may also be lower. Socioeconomic status is just one example of a confounding variable and there could be many others. In no way should you assume that if you wait until marriage to have sex it will improve your marriage satisfaction. It's also noteworthy that the author of the Texas study grew up in a Christian-conservative home.
If you are worried about finding a good man to settle down with, then you may want to read our article on green flags to look for in a man.
How many are waiting until marriage?
In this United States study on trends in premarital sex, they present a beautiful graph of how many have premarital sex over different ages (semi-dotted line). So age predicts how many have had premarital sex. By 17, about 50% have had premarital sex, and by age 24, about 90% have had premarital sex.
95% of people in the United States have had premarital sex by age 44.
Are you unsure if the man you’re talking to is looking for marriage or sex? Read our article Is he just interested in sex or something more?
My recommendation
Waiting until marriage is not wrong. But it is also not wrong to have sex before marriage. If you want to wait until marriage that is a personal choice and you have to do what feels right for you. However, if you see people telling you that the reasons you need to wait is because otherwise you won’t get married as easily, or your marriage will be worse - their statements are not backed by the current state of the evidence. We see an effort from certain religious groups and individuals to manipulate research, in an unethical manner, to make it fit with their ideals of abstinence until marriage.
Too long, didn’t read:
Based on the current state of the evidence, within the general United States population:
waiting to have sex until marriage does not increase your chances of getting married, and it does not improve marital satisfaction.
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