Is she interested or not? How to tell if she's interested in you
Real-world tips and scientific insights on reading her intentions
Author: Chris Blonk
Are you struggling to read the signs and want to know how to tell if she’s interested in you? And what are some signs of disinterest? You're not alone. It can be tough to tell if she’s interested or not. In this article, I'll be sharing with you a complete guide to telling if she's interested, which includes personal experiences after many years of dating, as well as scientific insights on reading someone’s body language. Whether you're on a first date or trying to gauge the level of interest of a long-time crush, I believe this is the most comprehensive guide that you will find on the internet. And if it isn’t, feel free to reach out to me.
We will define interest in this context as ”a desire to be romantically and/or sexually involved with someone”.
It might surprise you to realize that some women date, marry, and have sex with people that they do not have the desire to be romantically or sexually involved with. Why is that? It could be for reasons such as:
They might have been pressured by their family, friends, or other people in their society to get married or date someone.
They might be involved with a guy for other benefits, such as receiving gifts, adoration or approval from peers and family members, a more lavish lifestyle, emotional support, entertainment, or safety. Women might use romance or sex to get into a better position at work, improve their socioeconomic status, get new connections, or as a form of revenge against a personal enemy.
In such cases as those outlined above, there is no real interest, but the woman will fake signs of interest. Humans have yet to discover a fool-proof way to determine if someone is lying. Polygraphs or lie detector tests aren’t perfectly accurate, and neither is your favorite FBI body language expert (sorry). Polygraphs or “human lie detector experts” aren’t accepted as evidence in court for this reason. I do not mean to scare you into thinking that most women fake romantic or sexual interest, but just be aware that some do, which brings us to our next point:
There is no way to know if someone is interested or disinterested with 100% accuracy.
What is interest?
How to get her to show you signs?
Now that we know that no sign is 100% accurate all the time, it is time to see if we can at least get a good guess regarding whether she’s interested in you. Many people sit passively and wait for the signs to come to them, and that is certainly a valid method that has a low risk of embarrassing you. But what if you are bold and brave? Then you can obtain signs much faster. Having courage provides a massive benefit!
This might seem really silly and obvious once you begin reading it, but nonetheless, here are some ways you can provoke clearer signs from her that she might be interested. I swear I’m not intending to write this with a sarcastic tone:
1. Ask her out
I know right?! This is perhaps the most effective way to get a sign of interest. If she says yes to a date, that’s pretty good evidence that she might be into you. The same if she agrees to have sex with you.
2. Ask her to marry you
If she agrees to marry you, chances are high that she might be romantically interested in you. But you never know. She could just be accepted because the pressure from her family to get married is simply too strong, or because you have a lot of money. Who’s to say?
Alright, let’s cut the crap. We all know that you’re probably too much of a wuss to make a move, hence why you’re reading this article anyway. So you of course want to know what signs of interest she can give you, without you having to risk rejection and embarrassment, right? Alright, let’s get to it.
Here are some signs that she’s possibly interested:
She gets closer to you
She might stand close to you or hang around you. The closer she is the better. If she gets so close that she touches you, it’s a pretty good sign, since that’s the closest she could possibly be. Wanting to be close to someone is usually a sign that we like someone.
Prolonged eye contact
Women who are interested in you might look at you longer than what is usual. If you notice a woman looking at you a bit unusually long, it might indicate that she’s somewhat interested. We tend to look at things that attract our attention. So it might be that she thinks you look good, or it might be that you have a really bad and crazy hair day. Which one it is, is for you to find out.
She acts shy around you
When we like someone we usually try to monitor our own behavior to make a good impression. This monitoring of the self is also referred to as being “self-conscious”, and often shows itself through behavior we associate with being shy. For example, looking down if you try to make eye contact, getting flustered, having red cheeks, talking quietly, or having reserved body language. When we’re shy we’re often uncomfortable with social pressure. To relieve this pressure we might laugh easily, especially if someone makes a joke. So if she laughs easily at your jokes that could be a sign that she might be into you.
She touches herself
Pun intended. Along with the point above about being shy, if we feel nervous or self-conscious, we might do some self-soothing behaviors. That might be stroking our arms, and hair, or rubbing our thighs. Coincidentally, those behaviors of stroking ourselves could also be signs of being sexually aroused. If you spot a woman caressing any part of her own body, it can generally be taken as a positive sign.
You met on a dating app
If you met on a dating app where she has seen your pictures and chatted with you, and she has decided based on this to go on a date with you, that is a very good indication that she is probably interested.
She asks you personal questions
When we are interested in someone we tend to want to learn more about them. One way to accomplish this goal is to ask the one we like personal questions. We might ask them about their interests, their families, their career, and so on. If she’s courageous or open-minded she might also ask you about your dating life, past relationships, or sexual preferences. She might also ask your name or age if you’ve just met.
She asks you to hang out
If hanging around you wasn’t enough, she might also ask you to hang out. For example at events, or to introduce you to her friends or family. Notice that both points 6 and 7 include behaviors that are common for women who just want to be your friend. So that’s why it can oftentimes be confusing to suss out if she’s interested in friendship or something more.
She brags in your presence
Bragging is another way a woman might try to highlight her attractive qualities to you. Even though bragging is not considered that attractive because it can backfire by just making her seem self-obsessed, some women like to show off a little bit to get a person’s attention. She might mention that other men think she’s attractive, that she’s very flexible, that she works out a lot and eats healthy, that she studies a cool degree or has a cool job, or similar statements.
She gives you long replies
When you message a woman that is interested in you, it’s quite common for her to give you long and detailed replies. They might also include a lot of emojis or other signs of emotions, like writing “hahaha” if something you said was funny. She will usually try to respond with a similar level of effort as you are, or more.
But what about the flip side? We cannot only discuss indicators of interest because then you might just go looking for those and ignore any signs of disinterest that might show up.
Here are some signs that she’s possibly not interested:
Look of contempt
If a girl looks disgusted, angry, or annoyed when you get close to her or try to talk to her, it is perhaps the clearest sign of disinterest there is. This means “stay away”. Another way to show contempt is to roll her eyes or respond with complete silence when you tell a joke.
She keeps her distance
If a woman makes an effort to stay far away from you or avoid you, it is another sign of disinterest. You can notice this if you try to get closer to her, and she backs off. This means she’s probably not that into you.
She talks about her problems a lot
An interested woman will typically try to show you her best sides. She will usually try to impress you or give you the impression that she’s happy and enjoying life. The flip side of this is someone who talks to you about her problems frequently. She might talk about traumatic things that happened to her, her bad ex-boyfriend, or her mental health disorders. She might use you as a human toilet to dump all her crap or treat you like a therapist. If it’s done sparingly it might be a positive sign that she wants to be vulnerable with you. But it’s a problem when it becomes a very frequent thing.
She seems more interested in your friend
You might have noticed a woman you’re talking to seems to be looking over at your friend frequently. She might even go as far as to ask you several questions about your friend. When she talks to you, she might have a neutral expression, but when your friend approaches she lights up with a big smile. These are probably signs that she likes your friend instead of you.
She gives you short, disinterested replies
It’s normal to interact with people through some kind of social media or messaging app these days. If you continuously get short, disinterested replies then it is usually an indicator that she is not that interested. If you just started talking, that might be normal. But if it continues for longer periods she’s probably permanently disinterested.
She tells you that she doesn’t want to date you
It might seem surreal that I have to include this point, but it is extremely common for people who are crushing on someone to ignore this signal. They might think that “she’s not interested now, but she might get interested later”. Or they will tell themselves that she’s just playing hard to get. Perhaps they will even come up with a plan to make her interested again. These are all bad ideas. If a woman tells you she’s not interested - believe her, and try to move on to someone else that’s actually interested. People rarely change their minds about something like this if she has made such a definitive statement. It’s difficult because a woman might tell you this after she was interested in the past but now has lost interest due to something you did or said.
She turns down your date proposals
If you ask a woman out several times, and every time you ask, she’s either busy or makes excuses for why she can’t meet you, it’s probable that she’s just not interested. There are of course exceptions to this. She might legit be busy, and if she’s very interested she might propose an alternative date and time. Being turned down once usually doesn’t mean much, but if this happens twice or thrice in a row, that’s when you should pay attention.
She blocks you on social media
This should be pretty obvious as well. If a girl blocks you, she’s probably annoyed with you and her interest level is quite low. Leave her alone. It’s probably better to invest your time towards other women if she resorts to blocking you.
She tells you about someone else she likes
If she tells you that she likes someone else, or she asks you if you believe that some other person is interested in her romantically, chances are that she has her mind set on this other person. She might be using you to get closer to the person she fancies, or get tips from you on how to get in touch with that other person. In either case, if a girl tells you about another person she likes, take it as a sign that she’s probably not romantically or sexually interested in you.
She refers to you as a friend
While it’s fine to be a woman’s friend, if she specifically uses the term “friend” to describe your relationship, especially when talking to you directly or when discussing you with one of her friends, then it can sometimes be a subtle hint she’s giving you that she sees you only as a friend and that she doesn’t have any romantic or sexual intentions with you.
Next, let’s discuss some common pitfalls because there are some situations where it’s difficult to make sense of the signs.
How to interpret confusing signals
What does it mean if a woman shows you some signs of interest, but other signs of disinterest? This can be confusing. For example, a woman might send you long involved text messages, but somehow also turn down any attempt to meet up. She might have sex with you but then block you afterward. She can agree to go on a date with you, but during the date only shows you contempt. Or any other combinations you can think of. There are two principles you should follow to get the best estimate of her interest level.
When words and behavior don’t align, trust the behavior
Behavior is harder to fake than words because it takes more effort to follow through with behavior. So let’s say a woman says to you that she wants to meet you. But when you propose an actual time and place to meet, she backs out every time. It is more likely that she is disinterested. Because while her words clearly state that she wants to meet, she doesn’t do it. So the behavior reveals the truth: She doesn’t want to meet, at least not now.
New signs are more accurate than old signs
Women can often go from showing interest to disinterest very quickly and seemingly without any clear reason. This confuses many people because they were noticing all these great signs, and then suddenly a few ominous signs show up in a row. In this situation, you should trust the latest indicators more than the earlier signs. So let’s say that she was touching you a lot and laughing easily at your jokes, but the next time you meet her, she treats you with contempt and looks disgusted or annoyed any time you try to talk to her. In this scenario, you should assume that she’s not interested because her latest behavior is a more accurate reflection of what she is currently feeling compared to her old behavior. She was interested in the past, but not anymore. Why did that happen? Who knows. She might have met a person she likes more, or you did or said something to turn her off.
Lastly, the second common pitfall is to be close-minded and only see what you want to see, or only see what matches your existing worldview.
Focusing only on signs that confirm your suspicions
We tend to look for information that fits with our worldview and discard information that counters it. If you believe a woman is interested in you, then you might look for signs that confirm this hypothesis. Alternatively, if you believe that she is not interested in you, then you will probably look for signs of disinterest to confirm that belief. This tendency is called confirmation bias and it is something we are all vulnerable to. Be aware of this, and try to keep a neutral stance when evaluating her interest level. Your default stance should almost always be that you don’t know if she’s interested. That is a healthy and scientific place to be, even if that often feels uncomfortable if you’re not used to adopting this mindset.
Your self-image can trick you
Many of us have a certain sense of our own attractiveness level. We might see ourselves as god’s gift to women, or as unlovable people who never will find anyone. This self-image is often somewhat distorted from reality. And unfortunately, it can also cause us to miss important signs or make the wrong assumptions. For example, if you believe you’re hot stuff and women generally love you, you might begin to see signs left and right that women are interested because that’s what you’re looking for. When you spot these signs it can enhance your self-image and improve your confidence.
Having a slight positive bend to reality can be beneficial because women tend to like people that have a positive self-image. But keep in mind that if you go overboard with the positive self-image you’re entering into the narcissistic spectrum, and that can lead to a host of problems. For one, you might refuse to accept any signs of disinterest so you could end up stalking women or bothering them when they clearly have no interest in you. You disregard any sign of disinterest, even when it would benefit you at some level to notice them, even though rejection is painful.
Lastly, if you have a poor self-image, you might only look for signs of disinterest and ignore any sign that a woman is interested in you. This can lead to the world-view that you’re inherently unlovable and that no woman is interested in you. Sadly, this can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy since it robs you of confidence and happiness - which are both attractive qualities. If this description strikes a chord with you, I recommend seeking out a professional therapist.
Summary
There’s no way to tell with 100% accuracy if she’s interested or not. This means you might have to take some risks to find out if she is interested, like asking her out on a date. There are some signs of interest and signs of disinterest you could look for, but they are merely indications and not to be taken as concrete evidence. It’s best to try to have an open mind when it comes to guessing someone’s interest level. Assume that you don’t know for sure what she feels, but make an educated guess. Be mindful of the fact that we tend to look for signs that confirm our preexisting beliefs about ourselves and about the woman we’re thinking of. Best of luck to all of you who made it to the end of this article. You are now a low-level expert when it comes to knowing how to tell if she’s interested.
