Advice for incels: Escaping the incel trap
The definitive guide to no longer being an incel
Author: Chris Blonk
This is some of the best advice for incels that I have found to work through the years of having met and helped many unfortunate souls. I hope it can help you too!
Have you been feeling frustrated with your lack of sex? Does it seem like women don’t want to have anything to do with you? Is everyone around you dating and having sex? Meanwhile, when you try to hit on women you only get a stream of rejections? If any of this applies to you, you may be stuck in the incel trap.
What is the incel trap?
The incel trap is when a man becomes so frustrated with his lack of dating success, that his frustration makes him even more likely to get rejected. This trap is a negative spiral where some bad outcomes lead to even more bad outcomes. If you get rejected once, you might begin to question how attractive you are. This can negatively affect self-esteem and confidence. The next time you try to hit on someone you might come across as insecure. Women don’t find insecurity attractive, so they reject you again. If the cycle continues, you might begin to develop even stronger psychological defenses against the pain of rejection. This will typically take the form of hate: Self-hate or hate towards women. Women will often see any kind of hate as a red flag, so in this state, dating success becomes nearly unachievable. Incels will typically band together with other men in the same situation in online forums, and this often leads to a validation of the negative beliefs, digging themselves even deeper into the incel trap with the help of other incels.
The blind leading the blind
When we’re trying to accomplish a goal, and we get frustrated with our lack of results, we typically have two needs:
We have a need to vent and share our frustration, while someone listens and empathizes with us.
We have a desire for information on how to solve our problems.
The challenge is that men often try to get both from the same source. They might find a forum or group of friends that have the same struggles they do. The comrades they find are fantastic at solving the first need. They are empathetic, non-judgmental, and listen to vents and rants. They can do this because they know how painful it feels to be struggling themselves, making them excellent at empathizing. They get it, and the struggling guy feels heard. Some men also use therapists for this purpose. However, these good listeners are terrible with the second need; providing information on how to solve their dating problems. They are typically rather clueless when it comes to women. It’s a case of the blind leading the blind. If you don’t have anyone to support you with the first need, and you don’t feel heard or understood by anyone, this next section is for you.
Getting emotional support
The first step out of the incel trap is to ensure that you feel heard and understood by one or more empathic listeners who can provide you with excellent emotional support. Why will that help you escape the incel trap?
It can reduce your frustration and hate, which makes you more attractive to women. Women are more often attracted to happy men, compared to men who are frustrated or angry.
Receiving empathy from others will also encourage you to be more empathetic yourself, which also makes you more attractive to women. Women prefer to date men who are great, empathetic listeners.
Oftentimes, when men act vulnerable and share their insecurities, shame, and frustration around dating, others tend to ridicule them. This is a form of toxic masculinity where men are not allowed to be seen as weak, insecure, sad, frustrated, and so on. However, there are also many good, empathetic listeners out there. Your goal should be to find them. The best option is probably to ask for support from a close friend or family member that you can trust. If you do not have that, then I encourage you to seek out new friends. You can find friends in the real world or online, but I suspect real-world interactions are better. Lastly, I also encourage you to seek out therapy, preferably from a male therapist. I’ve heard that female therapists often have a very hard time understanding men who struggle with women, which is why I recommend male therapists. But keep in mind that therapy is not a magic solution, and it takes time. There are a lot of bad therapists or therapists that just can’t empathize with you. So this means you may have to try several different therapists to find one you like. Ideally, you have ongoing support for your entire life. Not only with dating but with any kind of issue you’re having. This will make you a more emotionally stable, happier person, which women are more likely to find attractive.
2. Separating good from bad advice
How do you separate good from bad advice? There are so many incel forums where people give terrible dating advice. People you interact with day-to-day may be terrible at giving advice too. Some think women can give you great advice, but they are often just as bad as most men. So how do you separate good advice from bad?
Does your source have extensive dating experience?
The more experience someone has, the better advice they typically tend to give. This is not a perfectly accurate rule, but a good guideline to follow nonetheless. We want to avoid getting advice from someone who has very little dating experience. For example, you may get great emotional support from your male therapist, but if he married the second woman he dated, he probably doesn’t have much dating experience. So use that therapist for emotional support and relationship advice, and not for dating advice.
Do some women agree with the advice?
If only men agree with the advice, that’s a red flag. You want to ensure that at least some women validate it. Otherwise, you risk getting advice that is completely ignoring the female perspective. That said, some women will shoot down good advice, as will some men. They will typically do so if they have limited dating experience themselves, or if they hold very anti-male views. For example, women who were recently sexually harassed or raped will often be terrible at giving men dating advice. These traumatized women will often tell you that if you hit on women in any way, shape, or form, you’re a creepy sexual harasser.
Is the advice specific?
Great advice is typically highly specific to a situation or scenario. You may ask for help on how you could have acted differently on a date. If you give them an extensive, detailed breakdown of what you did on a date, they are much more likely to be able to give you fantastic advice. On the flip side, if you ask for general advice, then you will often get served with well-intended, but horrible generalizations and platitudes such as “Just be yourself” or “If you stop chasing, they will come”. That doesn’t provide you with any valuable feedback or learning. So learn to ask for feedback on specific situations.
Are there studies to back up the advice?
There are a lot of unknowns when it comes to dating, relationships, and attraction. However, more and more scientific studies are published to answer some of these questions regularly. One of these questions that science has an answer for is “Do women find men more attractive with a tattoo? The more studies and data you have to support your advice, the better. That’s why we often try to use studies when we provide advice on Dating Frustrating.
Sources of bad dating advice that keeps you in the incel trap
Online forums that are only filled with men
Online forums specifically for incels. They may use lingo such as “red pill”, “blue pill”, “black pill”, or “purple pill”. This includes the MGTOW movement (Men Going Their Own Way).
Hypermasculine men who proclaim that they’re living some version of an alpha-male lifestyle, such as Andrew Tate or the Liver King, and any fan of such men. This includes any man that tells you that you need to be an “alpha male” a “sigma male” or any similar term that’s hot right now.
Superfans of Jordan Peterson
Anyone referring to themselves as a “pick-up artist” or “dating guru”
People with limited dating experience
People who have generally negative views of women, and think they are worse than men in some way
People who think that dating was much easier in the past before dating apps became a thing
People who hate dating apps
People who post covert videos of themselves hitting on women
People that hate dating
People who think that dating is inherently unfair toward men
Men who like to control and dominate women outside the bedroom
Men that refer to women as sluts, hoes, bitches, etc.
Men who say you need to adopt “dark triad” traits to be successful with women
Sources of good dating advice that can help you out of the incel trap
Your past attempts. You might have tried a lot of things that don’t work. This is an excellent source for learning what you do not want to try again. You also know what advice doesn’t work, which you can ignore for the future. If you’ve had some success with women, then you can also learn what approaches tend to work for you. It can be a good idea to write down what you did well and what you could have done better, for every past attempt that you remember.
Dating advice forums that have a good mix of men and women. For example, r/dating_advice on Reddit.
Men who have had a lot of dating experience, without relying on fame or wealth to achieve success
Women that have a lot of dating experience and are generally fond of men, and empathetic to men’s struggles
Certain dating coaches. Be careful though, as there are many bad dating coaches out there. If you’re deep in the incel trap, you may want to avoid dating coaches altogether at the beginning
Therapists who have had a lot of dating success
Watching reality tv-shows that involve serious dating, such as Love is Blind, Love on the Spectrum, 90 Day Fiancé, 90 Day: The Single Life, and many others. Although some of these shows can be pretty trashy, they at least give some insight into how people date and think about romance and sex.
Psychology in Seattle Youtube channel. This channel has a lot of good resources when it comes to dating, sex, and relationships. It also has videos specifically aimed at incels.
Book recommendations
I’ve read a lot of books on dating, and many of them are pretty bad. However, there are also some books I do recommend reading. Many of these are available as audiobooks.
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson
How to Be a 3% Man, Winning the Heart of the Woman of Your Dreams by Corey Wayne
Mate: Become the Man Women Want by Tucker Max
The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the "Love Lab" About What Women Really Want by John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray
The Evolution of Desire by David Buss
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck
The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships by Neil Strauss
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman and Nan Silver
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover
The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection and Courage (Audio CD) by Brene Brown
Busting the incel myths
Most men hold at least some wrong beliefs when it comes to dating, sex, and relationships, me included. But those who have very little experience tend to hold more of them. The problem is that any wrong belief can hold you back. Your mental map of the world doesn’t fit well with how the world actually works. Therefore you constantly feel lost and confused. By correcting these mistakes, you will see the world more realistically and this will help you make better decisions. I’ve therefore gathered a list of some of the most common beliefs incels hold that are, if not completely wrong, at least partially wrong. Let’s get to it!
Only the top 20% of men have dating success
This myth comes from a Norwegian study that showed that only about 20% of men on tinder managed to get sex or a relationship from the app: Tinder is a waste of time for most people
So what’s wrong with this? The problem is that this study only factors in dating on Tinder. There are many ways to meet women and many other dating apps out there that may be better for you. Here are how most people met their partners:
32% through family or friends
18% at work
17% at school
12% online
8% at a bar or restaurant
5% at a place of worship
8% somewhere else
Source: 1. A profile of single Americans, Pew Research Center
In the United States, only 0.3% of people are life-long virgins. If we look at the data comparing how many men that have had sex in different age groups, we can see the following statistic:
Men 15 - 17 years old: 32% have had sex
Men 18 - 19 years old: 66% have had sex
Men 20 - 24 years old: 82% have had sex
Obviously, the vast majority of men can experience sex in their lifetime and have some level of dating success.
2. Dating is harder for men
Like with most myths, there is a small grain of truth to this, but incels tend to take it way too far. Women often struggle in other areas of dating than men. Just because their struggles are different, doesn’t make dating easier for them. Their struggles are just as valid as male struggles. If a man goes up to 100 women and asks them to have sex, maybe one will say yes. If a woman does the same, a large percentage of men will agree to have sex with her. So in the sense of “how easy it is to get sex”, women definitely win that round. But that is not all there is to dating.
Dating is safer for men
When surveyed, typically 1 in 5 women report having been raped at some point. National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey. Many of those rapes occurred during a date or at a party, usually by someone they know. As a man, there’s only a 1 in 33 chance that you will get raped in your life. Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings From the National Violence Against Women Survey, page 3. Men may go on a date and worry about whether they will finally get sex that night. Women go on a date and worry about potentially getting raped. This difference in risk for violence is a very strong case for dating being worse for women.
Virginity rates between men and women are close to equal
This makes sense. Most women have sex with men. Therefore, the percentages of virgin women are extremely close to the percentages of virgin men. Here is how it compares:
Men 15 - 17 years old: 32% have had sex
Women 15 - 17 years old: 33% have had sex
Men 18 - 19 years old: 66% have had sex
Women 18 - 19 years old: 62% have had sex
Men 20 - 24 years old: 82% have had sex
Women 18 - 19 years old: 85% have had sex
Source: 1. A profile of single Americans, Pew Research Center
There’s also this common trend to think that dating has gotten harder for men in the last 10 years. But when we survey a ton of people, this does not seem to be the consensus view. In fact;
Women are much more likely than men to say that dating has gotten harder in the last 10 years (55% vs. 39%)
3. No women want me and there must be something wrong with me
Upwardly social comparison is generally horrible for our mental health although it’s rather easy to fall into it. Let’s say you’re a virgin. You may compare yourself to those who have already lost their virginity. If you’ve had sex with one girl, you will compare yourself to those who have had sex with two, and so on. If you’ve never been married, and you want to get married, you may compare yourself to those who are already married. No matter how well you’re doing with dating and sex, some guy out there is doing better than you. If you focus on that, you will likely feel inferior and worthless.
Some incels assume dating is easy for others
Dating is very hard for most people. More than 4 million people are on the subreddit r/dating_advice. If dating was easy, much fewer people would need help with it. But when you look around you in your daily life or on social media, you rarely see people having these struggles. That’s because people generally want to present themselves in the best way. They share their successes and hide their struggles and pain. I’ve personally had a lot of success with dating. But that doesn’t mean dating was easy for me. On the contrary, it has been super difficult. But if you just talked to me for a few minutes, you might assume I got all my success easily and automatically.
Some incels believe that women always show clear signs of interest
You might have thought to yourself “no woman has ever shown me any signs of interest”. This may be true. But it also may be that you don’t know what signs to look for. If so, check out this guide on how to read her signs. It’s also quite common for women to be interested but never show it. Why is that? Because if they’re attractive they don’t have to. They will get hit on plenty even if they don’t show signs, so they don’t have to make an effort.
Some incels are not trying hard enough
My first question to incels that want success is: How many women have you asked out on a date in the last 12 months? Usually, my question is met with silence. They may not have hit on any women in the last 12 months. Sometimes it’s between 1 and 5. It’s rarely anything more than that. Culturally, men are still expected to make the first move and hit on women. You miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take. We all experience some level of anxiety or fear when hitting on women. Men who are successful push themselves extremely hard to get past that fear repeatedly. I have been rejected by maybe around 50-100 women for every woman I slept with. So if you only hit on 5 women a year, you can expect to have sex in 5-10 years. Those are not great odds. Some guys go to nightclubs and hit on 10-20 women twice a week, as well as “Boosting” their tinder profiles with fantastic pictures, and swiping an hour a day. Of course, these men typically have much more success than men who don’t try because they’re too afraid. Fortune favors the courageous.
Where to go from here
Remove bad sources of dating advice from your life. This means getting off the male-dominant forums and ignoring advice from people with limited dating experience.
Get emotional support by seeking out new friendships, talking to friends or family members you already have, or going to therapy.
Begin hitting on more women.
Take note of every small success you have. Not just sex or a relationship. If you managed to talk to an attractive woman without acting nervous, that’s a win. If you get a date, that’s a win. Celebrate every small step forwards.
Ask others for help with specific situations where you failed when hitting on women. Be detail-oriented.
Read and consume sources of good dating advice, like the advice for incels listed above. If you read every book on the list of books, you’re almost guaranteed to move past the incel stage of your life. But it can take a few years before the results start coming in.
