Should I ask to kiss her?
Our study reveals what 388 women think about kissing and consent
Author: Chris Blonk
Have you wondered: “Should I ask to kiss her?” In the age post #MeToo, the lines of consent are more important than ever. Some men are afraid of being labeled creepy or getting accused of sexual assault. Others think the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction, making men needlessly afraid to make a move. I asked women on Reddit to answer this question, and 388 women responded. Here will we share with you the results of our study, and what it means for men out there.
The question we asked
Here is the exact question we posted on the subreddit r/dating_advice. You can find a link to the original post here.
“Should a man ask for permission verbally to kiss you for the first time? The alternative being that he reads your signs and body language to infer that you want to be kissed but, if noticing you backing off etc. then obviously stop his approach.
Is verbal confirmation needed or is the "feeling / reading the situation" approach also ok?”
After posting the question, the comments started pouring in. I was lucky that this became a trending question and therefore garnered a lot of attention.
How we counted the responses
At some point we had to stop counting responses because as we were counting, more responses were still coming in. We made an arbitrary cap at 388. Meaning we counted the first 388 comments. The responses were logged and organized in a spreadsheet. We tried to weed out comments that were made by men. We separated the responses into four distinct categories:
Prefer the guy to ask for consent verbally
Prefer that the guy reads her body language
Either asking or reading body language is okay
Not asking for consent is considered sexual harassment / sexual assault
What women responded
46%: Prefer that the guy asks for consent verbally
24%: Prefer that the guy reads her body language
29%: Think either asking verbally or reading body language is okay
1%: Think that not asking is considered sexual harassment or sexual assault
Here is a pie chart showing the results visually:
What do the results mean?
We’re asking a preference question, and women have different preferences. The women that responded have different life stories, cultural backgrounds, ages, and experience levels. Some might have never kissed anyone. Others are rape victims. It’s important to note that most women had very strong stances on this. So the women that preferred verbal consent were completely turned off by the idea of the guy only using body language to infer consent. And the women who preferred that the guy read her body language found it a complete turn-off if the guy asked her verbally. 29% of women are generally open to both approaches and so they didn’t have a strong stance, but the other 71% had relatively strong preferences.
What is a man to do?
From the numbers alone, it seems that if he doesn’t ask for consent, a man has a 1% chance of being accused of being a sexual harasser or worse. But if he asks, he has a 24% chance of ruining the mood because she doesn’t want to be asked. No wonder men are confused and scared about what to do. It’s not like they can follow a simple approach that will always work with every woman.
Additional insights from the comments
Luckily for men out there struggling with this conundrum, women were trying to be helpful in the comments. They highlighted several reasons as to why they felt like they did, and they also gave some tips men can use:
Reading body language is a requirement
According to many of the comments, women prefer that men should learn to read the situation and her body language. Asking at a bad time or if she's not interested can be just as awkward or uncomfortable for a woman as someone who goes in for the kiss when she's not interested. So this means that even if you plan to verbally ask, you can’t escape the fact that you need the skills to be able to read her signs that she is likely okay with kissing. Here you can learn more about reading her signs.
Her past influences her present preferences
In general, it seems women base their preferences on their past experiences. For example, if they had a great kiss recently with someone who asked first, they will say they prefer this. On the other hand, if someone had a great passionate kiss with someone great at reading body language, they may prefer that a man does not ask. Some women change their minds over time. They may have had great kisses with guys who didn't ask, so they prefer this. Until they met someone who asked and it felt sweeter somehow, so they changed their mind. Women who have been through sexual assault or horrible kisses coming out of nowhere seem to want to be asked.
Evaluate who she is
Women who say they are more outgoing and give a lot of signs, seem happier if the guy reads the situation. Some women that are socially awkward or insecure may think both asking and reading body language are awkward. So in this case a man just has to try to make her as comfortable as possible, go slow, and endure some awkwardness in the situation. Just because a girl is shy doesn't seem to mean she prefers one over the other though. Shy girls stated both preferences. I guess some smaller percentage of young and inexperienced girls think everything related to kissing is just awkward by default. Older women with more experience tended to prefer that the guy just reads the situation, but there were many exceptions here too.
Women’s tips on how to kiss in a non-harassing way, based on their comments
Make sure she’s comfortable with other kinds of touching, such as hand-holding, hugging, or cuddling, before going for the kiss. When you kiss her, that should not be the first form of physical contact between you.
Go slow, so she has plenty of time to back out or stop you. Never dive in quickly for the kiss as this can prevent her from rejecting the kiss. You take away her ability to give consent if you go too fast.
Stay sober for the first kiss. Women who had experienced kissing as a form of harassment frequently mentioned that alcohol was involved. The guy was too intoxicated to notice and appropriately react to her signs of discomfort and disinterest. Add to this that alcohol breath makes a kiss much less appealing.
More tips from women:
The 90/10 rule from the movie Hitch. Lean in 90% and let her come the other 10%. This is an indirect way of getting consent.
Just because she is friendly and flirty doesn't necessarily mean she is ready to be kissed
If you ask, then how you ask is important. It should be done in a confident way when the signs are already there. Some women prefer statements like "I'd like to kiss you now" when your faces are already somewhat close to each other
If your kiss is rejected it doesn't have to mean that she's not interested. If you handle it well by staying cool, she may want to kiss you at a later point. "No" can indeed just mean "not yet". But it all depends on the situation. “No” can also mean “never”.
Summary
So should I ask to kiss her? There is no one approach to rule them all. Whichever method you choose to go for the kiss, it’s crucial that you evaluate the setting, the woman, and her body language. It’s essential to initiate other types of romantic contact before going for the kiss. You also want to go slow, so she has an opportunity to reject you. If you’re unsure, it is best to ask, but when you ask: Remember to do so in a confident manner. If your kiss is rejected, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s uninterested. It may have been too soon, or not the right place. You have to evaluate the entire interaction to make the best possible judgment call.
