Why it’s difficult to pinpoint the reasons

In some cases you might go on several first dates and every single woman you go out with rejects you for the exact same reason. This might happen if you have a glaring flaw, and if so, you’re probably well aware of what that flaw is. For example, you might have a severe speech impediment. But in most cases, women will reject you for a variety of reasons, making it difficult to suss out the true cause each time. Women will also often hesitate to tell you why they rejected you. Because of this, I created a list of the most common reasons for getting rejected after a first date. Use this list to see if any of these might apply to you.

Top 10 most common reasons why you did not get a second date

1. Not disclosing important details before meeting in person

   This applies only if you met online. Before the first date, you might have chosen to leave out important details. For example, that you’re a dad, your age, that you have a disability, that you are very short, and that you’re only looking for casual sex or similar important details. By hiding some of these important details before the meeting, and only revealing them in person, any of these factors could lead to rejection after the first date.

2. You did not escalate physically

   If a woman likes you, it’s quite likely that she will want you to escalate things to kissing or sex at some point. Sex for the first date? Isn’t that a little early? It depends on the woman. For many, it’s too soon. For others, having sex on the first date is exactly why they went on the date in the first place. Because the cultural norms dictate that men should make all the “first moves”, you are responsible for escalating things to kissing and sex. If you don’t escalate, she might assume that you’re not interested, or get more of a friend vibe from you. I will break down how to do this escalation correctly later in the article. Obviously, you want to keep an eye out for signs that she’s interested.

3. You’re not looking for the same

   People look for all kinds of different things when dating, from one-night stands to marriage. You might not be on the same page here, and she might pick up on that through the small things you say and how you behave. Did you know that having a tattoo can make you seem slightly less attractive for a long-term relationship? Some women are quite perceptive, so she might be able to pick up on your intentions even if you don’t tell her what you’re looking for directly. If she feels there’s a mismatch in your dating goals, she’s unlikely to want to go on a second date with you.

4. She is not really motivated to date

   Some women go on dates without really wanting it. How can that be? There could be many reasons, such as social pressure from her friends or just having nothing better to do that day. Some women aren’t really over their ex-boyfriend but they’re trying to move on and push themselves to date. Men also do this, so I don’t judge. The important thing is to look for the signs. You might notice her being disinterested before the date. She might show up late, treat you rudely, or dress poorly. She might have canceled your date proposals several times in the past. Be also aware of women who are set up by their friends to go out with you. That can be an indicator that she might just be going out with you to please her friends.

5. You mislead her about your appearance

   Since modern dating often involves meeting online, it’s common for people to use the best possible images of themselves that they have. If your appearance has changed since those images were taken, or the images misrepresent you in a significant way, women may not be physically attracted to you in person. You might get away with looking a tiny bit better in the images than in real life, but the more you push that difference between the “you” in the images versus the “you” in real life, the higher the chance is that she will be disappointed when meeting you. Some guys also lie about their height or age, often leading to the same result; no second dates. Are you unsure of whether to show your abs in your dating profile pictures? We tested that here.

6. You came across as overly insecure

   It’s normal to be nervous on a first date. If you have been rejected a lot after first dates in the past, this might make those symptoms worse. If you’re generally shy on dates, don’t know what to do and say, and your armpits are intensely sweaty, then she might notice that and think to herself that you’re not a confident guy. Women tend to like men who are confident and seem to know what they’re doing. If a guy seems too insecure on a date, she will usually lose interest.

7. You dressed too poorly for her taste

   I’ve had one female friend tell me that she was completely grossed out by a guy who came to the date with dirty running shoes. Women differ largely in how fancy they prefer men to dress. If she dresses very fancy herself, she may prefer that the guy dress formally to match her vibe. It’s possible to dress too formally too, but the problem is usually the other way around. You want to dress for the woman and the setting. If you’re taking her to a very nice restaurant you should dress better than if you’re meeting for coffee, where a business casual look will be perfectly appropriate. Notice how she dresses and tries to match her vibe. It’s also important that you feel comfortable and confident in your clothes, so this can be a bit of a tradeoff. Whatever clothes or shoes you choose, at least make sure that they’re clean, as women tend to dislike a disheveled appearance.

8. You did not ask her any questions about her

   One of the more common complaints women have after a date is that that man didn’t ask them any personal questions. If you’re very nervous about how you’re coming across, it may cause you to only talk about yourself since that’s a topic you’re comfortable talking about. Asking her questions requires you to divert attention away from yourself and enter into topics that you may not know anything about. When this happens, women may think you have no genuine interest in them and that you’re self-obsessed.

9. Lack of long-term compatibility

   Women are often checking for long-term compatibility on dates. They may even do that if they’re looking for something casual. Why? Because they know that if you begin having casual sex, it’s possible that she might develop feelings for you and want something more with you later on. You might not think some of these compatibility things matter, but for her, they might be very important. Some common things a woman may look for are things like: Your political views, your views on religion, what type of lifestyle you’re living, your desire for adventure versus stability, your socio-economic status, your education level, your job, and where you prefer to live, etc. If you’re planning to leave the country soon, that might also be a strike against you for long-term compatibility. If you both have very different values or you’re very different people, that might be a reason you did not get a second date.
   

10. Lack of emotionally stimulating activities and conversations

    This is also called “playing it safe”. Often women will complain that they just did not feel much during the date. There are certain activities and topics of conversation that are a lot more emotionally stimulating than others. There is a study showing that men who just walked across a scary hanging bridge, rated a female interviewer as more attractive compared to a group of men who walked across a sturdy bridge. The researchers believed that the increased heart rate and the adrenaline were misattributed as a feeling of attraction. Here you can read more about the misattribution of arousal. Note that arousal in the field of Psychology is any excited and alert bodily state, not just referring to sexual arousal. If you talk about very personal topics, it’s more likely to generate some level of arousal compared to safer topics, such as work or the weather. Drinking coffee, or having a high-sugar snack, can also increase this type of arousal. Increasing the physical touching between you is yet another way to increase arousal as it can feel slightly dangerous and exciting. A great date should feel emotionally stimulating. Generating arousal is the key, and then you can hope that some of that arousal is misattributed as an attraction for you. Women tend to look for someone that is socially exciting.