How to succeed at dating with autism
What to do, say, and think, when you’re an autistic man wanting to date women
Author: Chris Blonk
Published: February 8th, 2024
This article contains some of the best advice I have for approaching dating when you’re a straight man on the spectrum. People with autism unfortunately often struggle in the love department, so let’s break down how you can address those challenges. As always at DatingFrustrating, we take a scientific approach and will link to relevant studies.
1. You can learn social skills
Some people with autism have been told that they will struggle with social skills or reading social cues. While this is true, autistic individuals can absolutely improve their social skills through learning. While neurotypicals (those without autism) can often learn social skills more intuitively, you still have the ability to learn social skills if you’re on the spectrum. But it will take you longer than it did for your neurotypical peers. That means that to improve, it’s going to take more diligent effort to achieve noticeable results. How much you can improve also depends on where you are on the spectrum to begin with.
Take a long-term learning approach
Isolating yourself from social contact, or avoiding dating, will reinforce a negative cycle where a lower level of social skills leads to less social interaction, which leads to your social development stagnating. To break the cycle you ideally want to seek out more social interaction and work more diligently on your social skills compared to neurotypicals. If people do this over years and years, some people who have milder symptoms of being on the spectrum can approach the level of average neurotypical individuals when it comes to social skills. Some autistic individuals are so good at this that they go without an autism diagnosis their entire lives. I’m not recommending that you “mask” and pretend to be neurotypical. You can absolutely be your autistic self. But be smarter about how you go about things socially speaking, in terms of what you talk about and what you do. If you have a unique way of talking and moving that is uniquely you, then have to own and accept that. You cannot change everything about yourself. Some things you can change, and some things you can’t. Focus on the things you can change, and let go of what you cannot change.
2. Owning your autism
Never be ashamed or embarrassed because you are autistic. Being mildly autistic comes with several benefits. Your autism may give you unique perspectives, an ability to focus intensely on certain things for hours, and a different personality from most others. Some autistic individuals do exceptionally well in life, and many argue that people like Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, and Magnus Carlsen, have autistic traits, or believe they are on the spectrum.
In one study, women rated an online dating profile as more attractive if the male user admitted to having autism in his profile text
compared to an identical profile that did not mention their autism diagnosis. The authors of the study theorize that when we see certain unusual behaviors or traits, but we have an explanation for them (they have autism), we are more likely to see those people in a favorable light. Source: The Impact of Stigma, Autism Label and Wording on the Perceived Desirability of the Online Dating Profiles of Men on the Autism Spectrum.
I believe the reason it’s seen as more attractive is that it signals confidence. We all know confidence is attractive. Being open and unashamed about your autism is a signal that you are confident with who you are. Including the parts of you that some may perceive as a weakness.
It will usually be beneficial for you to share your autism diagnosis openly and early when getting to know women.
3: Seek out information from peers and close connections
According to various surveys asking autistic individuals about their dating life, many with autism tend to get their information about dating skills through the internet rather than from talking to their parents or peers in real life. Source: Dating and Courtship Behaviors Among Those with Autism Spectrum Disorder
While the internet is a good source for a lot of information, like this article, I recommend you also make a proactive effort to ask people around you for dating advice in real life. This is mostly what socially skilled individuals do, and so you miss out if all your information is only coming through the written format. Since you may struggle with social cues, getting this advice in person can help somewhat in addressing this shortcoming. You may feel uncomfortable asking friends or family about dating and relationships. But you will often be surprised that many are very open to helping you out. Sometimes you will have to push past your discomfort to obtain crucial information. If someone does not want to help you, then you may need to ask someone else.
4. Setting your expectations
You might experience that fewer neurotypical women will be interested in dating you compared to if you were neurotypical. This means dating will typically be more difficult as you will likely get rejected more, especially if your goal is to date a neurotypical woman.
How do you deal with this?
If your goal is dating neurotypical women, you might have to try more often. To get a romantic partner, you first have to get dates. Ideally, you only need one person to go on a date with you. But it’s quite common that dates don’t result in a relationship. In the Netflix series “Love on the Spectrum”, people with autism were sometimes put on dates by the show’s producers. Only a handful of these first dates turned into relationships. And in those dates, both participants were typically on the spectrum. So you probably have to assume that you need to have many first dates that don’t go anywhere before you find a relationship. This is true for both neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals.
The number of women you ask on a date
multiplied by
the chance that a woman will go out with you
equals
the number of dates you can get
That means that you have an advantage if you ask more women out on a date, compared to asking fewer women. What is the chance that any woman will go out with you? This is something you have to discover through experience. You may discover that the first woman you ask out agrees to go on a date with you. Or you might experience that you ask 100 women on a date, and they all decline.
It also depends on what type of woman you’re asking. If you’re asking out women who are also on the autism spectrum, the chances are probably much higher that she will accept. Because according to a Swedish study, we know that
Men with autism are 11 times more likely to end up in a relationship with women who also have autism
Source: Patterns of Nonrandom Mating Within and Across 11 Major Psychiatric Disorders
Where and how you can find women on the spectrum, is a problem you have to solve on your own. But it probably helps to live in a larger city since there are more people with autism in more populated areas. Once you’ve found some women that may be of interest to you, you probably want to hit on her. Hitting on a woman usually can be simplified considerably. All you have to do is to ask her on a date. This is true whether she’s autistic or neurotypical.
If you want to make things easier for yourself, you may consider seeking out women who are also on the spectrum.
5. To understand whether a woman is interested or disinterested
Once you’ve asked someone on a date, understanding whether the woman is interested or disinterested is the most important social skill you can learn when it comes to dating. The reason is that this is often the most subtle aspect of social cues. Women will typically be somewhat vague with their signs.
These social cues can be confusing, and that’s why autistic individuals often struggle the most with this part of dating. For example, not being able to read signs of disinterest may lead you to be seen as a stalker if you keep pursuing a woman who has no interest in you. Studies are showing that some autistic men get in trouble because of this, which is why I’m mentioning it here. Source: Stalking, and Social and Romantic Functioning Among Adolescents and Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder
Signs that she’s interested (click to see separate article)
Signs that she’s disinterested
A common thing that may confuse autistic individuals is communication which is both positive and negative. Here are some sentences you might hear from women. They all follow a similar structure. She compliments you, and then says “but”, and follows it up with something that is not so good. If that happens, it should be taken as a clear rejection. Here are some examples:
”I think you’re a great guy, but I’m not looking to date anyone right now”
”You’re boyfriend material, but I am not ready to date at the moment”
“You’re cute, but I think we’re better off as friends”
“I feel attracted to you, but I don’t think it can work between us”
“I appreciate what you’ve done for me, but I prefer we just keep talking”
“I could see myself dating someone like you, but this is not the right time”
These are all clear rejections. They mean that she has no interest in dating you. The reason many women say something positive when they reject you is that they are trying to be kind. They want you to know that you’re rejected, but they also don’t want you to feel too bad. They want you to maintain your self-esteem. But, understandably, this kindness along with the rejection can confuse people. Just keep in mind that if you hear something similar to these sentences, they are rejecting you.
Here are some more common signs that she’s not interested:
It can often take more than 2 days before she replies to one of your messages.
When you propose a date, she makes an excuse for why she cannot make it. If this happens once, she may still be interested. But if she does this two times in a row, it’s a clear sign she is not interested.
She asks you to leave her alone.
She says “I’m not interested in you”.
She says “No thanks” to any proposal you make.
She blocks you on social media.
What to do if she is probably disinterested
It can be very emotionally painful to get rejected. This is true for both neurotypical and autistic individuals. However, if you do not behave correctly after this event, you may cause harm to the woman who rejected you and more harm to yourself. This is why it’s crucially important to take appropriate actions, even if your feelings are telling you something else. Here are some appropriate actions after being rejected:
Stop trying to contact her.
Avoid talking to her.
Avoid spying on her on social media.
Focus your intentions on something that brings you joy, like friends, family, or specific activities.
Attempt to talk to other women instead.
Think twice before deciding if you want to remain friends if she is offering a friendship. Oftentimes, by staying friends, it can take you longer to heal from the rejection. I generally recommend not staying friends with a woman who has rejected you. But, many with autism have few friends. So you may consider being friends with them if you think it will improve your life overall.
What to do if she’s probably interested
Ask her out on a date. If she agrees, we have a book on how to do first dates. Just click on the image below to get more information about our book:
Too long, didn’t read
If you want to have success at dating with autism as a straight man, here are the main tips from this article:
1. Remember that you can learn social skills. Take a long-term learning approach.
2. Own your autism. Tell women that you have autism early on for a better chance at success. If you use a dating app, you should state it in your profile text.
3. Seek out dating tips from peers and family members, not just the internet.
4. Learn to understand when a woman is interested or disinterested. If a woman compliments you, and then says “but”, followed by something else, it often means she is rejecting you. For example “I think it’s great talking to you, but I don’t feel ready to date right now”. That is a rejection.
5. If you believe someone is interested, you can ask her out on a date.