Green flags in men, according to science

7 green flags to look for when evaluating men for long-term relationships

What does science say about what to look for in a long-term partner? In this article, I will focus on the green flags in men. Green flags for what? For a happy, long-lasting relationship with minimal risk of abuse or cheating. Here are the top seven green flags to look for in a guy:

1. He takes your opinion into account

John Gottman and colleagues observed newly married couples interacting naturally within a home, as well as during interviews. They measured their behaviors and tried to classify them into different categories. Years later, they measured the divorce rate and noted which behaviors correlated with divorce. Couples in which the husband took his wife’s opinions into account when making decisions, were more likely to stay married for the long term. So ask yourself: Are you able to influence him? Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability From Newlywed Interactions, page 19

How to check for this green flag?

You’re talking to a guy and he suggests meeting at a specific place for a first date. You decide to ask him if it’s okay if you move the date to another location. If he accepts your counter-offer without complaining, getting upset, or being difficult with you, that is a good sign that he can accept your influence.

2. He was faithful in past relationships

Have you ever heard the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater”? It’s not always true, but it is a good guide. We know from a survey done that those who cheated in their first relationship were more than three times as likely to cheat in their next relationship, compared to those who stayed faithful in their first relationship. So if you know that the guy you’re seeing has always been faithful in the past, that’s a good sign. Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships

How to check for this green flag in men?

During the first few dates, feel free to bring up the topic of past relationships and ask him why the relationships ended, and if he has ever cheated in the past.

3. You’re sexually compatible

What kind of sex do you like? How often do you prefer to do the deed? This is an important test for compatibility with a man. It’s rare to find a perfect match, but you generally want to find someone relatively similar to you in this aspect. They know for example, that the likelihood of cheating is much lower if your partner is sexually satisfied. One way to avoid a dead bedroom is to ensure you like to have sex about the same amount. Is Infidelity Predictable? Using Explainable Machine Learning to Identify the Most Important Predictors of Infidelity

How to check for this green flag?

You can ask during the first couple of dates what his sexual preferences are. How often he prefers to have sex when he’s in a long-term relationship, and what type of sex he likes. This topic is very personal. In some cultures, this may be too taboo to talk about. It also depends on your comfort with discussing this topic. The absolute best way to test for sexual compatibility is to have sex repeatedly. But not everyone is comfortable with doing that early on in the dating process.

4. He’s able to stay calm when you bring up an issue

People who can handle conflict without getting defensive, or giving you the silent treatment, are much more likely to maintain healthy, long-term relationships. If you bring up an issue, complaint, or concern, and he can handle it calmly and without getting upset or defending himself, that’s fantastic. It’s also amazing if he can take responsibility for his mistakes. Now, he may not always agree with you. The key is that he stays calm, doesn’t run away, and doesn’t go on the counter-attack. What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes

How to check for this green flag?

Try bringing up a concern you have about your compatibility or his behavior, and see how he handles it. I don’t recommend that you criticize a guy you just started going out with, but bring up a concern you have. See how emotional he gets when you bring it up. Is he able to stay calm? If he can keep his emotional reactivity low, that’s a green flag.

5. He is looking for the same things you are

Have you asked him what he’s looking for? Not only in the short term but in the long term. Does he want to get married, does he want children? Where does he want to live? What kind of lifestyle would he like to have? Does he want an open relationship or a closed one? What are his deal breakers? Is he okay with your deal breakers? These are all fantastic questions you should ask him in the early dating phase between the first date and the time you decide to get exclusive. We know from studies that 19% of those who divorce indicate that incompatibilities were the main reason. If he’s looking for more or less similar things as you are then you’re off to a great start. Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education

How to check for this green flag?

During the first few dates you want to ask him where he stands on things like preferences for cleanliness, desire for children and marriage, his preferred division of labor in the household, his stance on drug use, vaccinations, politics, and religion, to figure out if you’re compatible. Do not forget to discuss dealbreakers. If you decide to be exclusive, that’s a great time to discuss the rules of fidelity in detail. Is flirting okay? What about porn use? It’s important that you talk about all these things up front, as much as possible. But obviously, stay socially intelligent when dating. You can’t dump all of these topics on him at once, or make a date feel like a job interview. You have to spread these conversations throughout the first weeks and months of dating. You probably won’t be 100% compatible with any one guy, but the more compatible you are, the better it is.

6. He usually prefers to stay sober

It’s a green flag if a man generally wants to stay sober. Someone that either doesn’t drink alcohol, or drinks very little. Hopefully, he doesn’t use cocaine or other hard drugs. We know that most forced rape occurrences happen when the perpetrator is under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Victim and perpetrator characteristics in alcohol/drug-involved sexual violence victimization in the U.S. Someone who does not engage in heavy episodic drinking is also 6 times less likely to engage in partner violence. Alcohol/Drug-Involved Family Violence in Australia (ADIVA)—Research Bulletin, page 3. All in all, there’s plenty of evidence to support that someone that does not engage in heavy drinking and drug use, will be more likely to treat you better.

How to check for this green flag?

Monitor his drinking and drug use during the first dates, and make sure to ask him how often he likes to get a drink. Check that he also isn’t constantly asking you to consume drugs or alcohol either, as that can be a way for abusers to get control over you. If he generally avoids heavy drinking or drug use, and he’s not pushing you to engage in those activities, then you can place a checkmark in the green flag column.

male getting water from the tap into a drinking bottle

7. He says and behaves like he loves you and wants to commit to you

In a huge meta-analysis of 137 studies including a total of 37 761 participants, feeling love and commitment was one of the strongest predictors of non-married couples staying together. Predicting nonmarital romantic relationship dissolution: A meta-analytic synthesis. You should get a sense that he’s willing to go “all in” at some point, although it’s very healthy if it takes him some time to get there. Love takes time to grow, so we should not expect it from the first few dates. But when you have spent several weeks or months together then it’s a positive sign if he says that he loves you and wants to be with you for the long haul.

How to check for this green flag?

You want to see that the more time you spend together, the more love he seems to feel for you and the more committed he seems to your relationship. It’s good if he tells you that he loves you first, but you can also say it when you feel ready and hope that he says it back. You want to feel that he’s confident and secure in his choice to be with you.

newly married couple kissing in front of a crowd

Now you’re a low-level expert when it comes to finding green flags in a guy. Use them to check for green flags in guys you’re dating.

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