How to tell if he’s interested: A complete guide
Real-world tips and scientific insights on reading his intentions
Author: Chris Blonk
How to tell if he’s interested? Have you ever struggled to read a guy’s intentions? Is he interested in you or just being friendly? This article was written to answer if a guy is romantically or sexually interested in you. If you want to know if he’s more romantically inclined or just interested in sex, you should instead read the companion article to this: Is he just interested in sex or something more? After many years of dating and providing dating advice, let me try to tell you how I see it from my male perspective. And I’m sorry if I come across as mansplaining here, but I hope you can give me the benefit of the doubt and maybe my male perspective can be of some added benefit.
What is interest?
We will define interest in this context as ”a desire to be romantically and/or sexually involved with someone”.
It might surprise you to realize that some men date, marry, and have sex with people that they do not have the desire to be romantically or sexually involved with. Why is that? It could be for reasons such as:
They might have been pressured by their family or friends to get married, have sex, or date.
They might be involved with a woman for other benefits, such as to receive adoration from peers or to receive emotional support. Men might use romance or sex to improve their socioeconomic status, get new connections, or use it as a form of revenge against a personal enemy. They might also use it as a form of therapy, or to get a feeling of being in power and control over their own lives. They might get turned on by feeling like they have power and control over others. Some also fake interest to scam women, like the infamous Tinder Swindler.
In such cases as those outlined above, there is no real interest, but the man will fake signs of interest. Humans have yet to discover a fool-proof way to determine if someone is lying. Polygraphs aren’t accurate, and neither is your favorite FBI body language expert (sorry). Polygraphs and “human lie detector experts” aren’t accepted as evidence in court for this reason. Remember that a few gay men marry and have children with straight women, so even marriage and fathering your children is not a guaranteed sign of romantic interest. I do not mean to scare you into thinking that most men fake romantic or sexual interest, but just be aware that some do, which brings us to our next point:
There is no way to know if someone is interested with 100% accuracy.
How to get him to show you signs?
Now that we know that no sign is 100% accurate all the time, it is time to see if we can at least make a good guess regarding whether he’s interested in you. Many sit passively and wait for the signs to come to them, and that is certainly a valid method that has a low risk of embarrassing you. But what if you are bold and brave? Then you can obtain signs much faster. Having courage provides a massive benefit! This might seem silly and obvious once you begin reading it, but here are some ways you can provoke clearer signs from him that he might be interested.
1. Ask him out
I know right?! This is perhaps the most effective way to get a sign of interest. If he says yes to a date, that’s pretty good evidence that he might be into you.
2. Ask him to marry you
If he agrees to marry you, chances are high that he might be romantically interested in you. But you never know. He could just be accepted because the pressure from his family to get married is simply too strong. Who’s to say?
Alright, let’s stop horsing around. We all know that you’re probably too scared to make a move, hence why you’re reading this article anyway. So you of course want to know what signs of interest he can give you, without you having to risk rejection and embarrassment. Alright, let’s proceed.
Here are some common signs that he’s possibly interested:
He tries to stay close to you
Although some guys like to hover close to you at all times if they’re interested, it’s perhaps more common that he will instead try to stay somewhat distant but keep you within his line of sight. This is especially true if you happen to interact with other guys. Let’s say you’re at a summer camp, and you decide to go swimming with a group. He will likely try to be part of the group that goes swimming with you. He wants to keep an eye on you, not only to see if he can get to know you better. But also to see if you’re interested in him. He might also do it as a form of jealous mate-guarding where he’s trying to keep other men away from you as much as possible.
Prolonged eye contact
Men who are interested in you might look at you longer than what is usual. If you notice a man looking at you a bit unusually long, it might indicate that he’s somewhat interested. We tend to look at things that attract our attention. So it might be that he thinks you look good, or it might be that you stand out visually from your peers in some other way. If you look like a plain Jane, his gaze might mean that he’s interested. If you dress like Lady Gaga, it’s probably your eccentric style that is the reason for his prolonged gaze.
He acts shy around you
When we like someone, we usually try to monitor our behavior to make a good impression. This monitoring of the self is also referred to as being self-conscious and often shows itself through behavior we associate with being shy. For example, looking down if you try to make eye contact, getting flustered, having red cheeks, talking quietly, or having reserved body language. If he’s always shy, that’s not an indicator of interest. That just means he’s a shy guy in general. It’s only an indicator of potential interest if he only seems shy around you, or particularly shy around you.
He brags or tries to show off
Bragging is a less common way that a guy might try to highlight his attractive qualities. He might mention that women think he’s attractive, that he’s got good grades, that he completed a prestigious degree, has a cool job, a cool car, or similar statements. Because bragging can backfire by making him seem self-obsessed or narcissistic, it’s more common for men to show off through their behavior. He might show his physical abilities by backflipping into the swimming pool or giving a heroic effort in a casual football game. He might also bust a dance move, sing, or even get into a playful and loud brawl with another man. If he seems to do such things more frequently when you’re nearby, then it could be a sign of interest.
He’s your friend
Have you stopped to consider why your male friends are your friends? If they’re single, there’s a chance that they’re romantically or sexually interested in you. There’s at least one study that shows that men are much more likely to be attracted to their female friends than vice versa and that women tend to underestimate how often this occurs. So you may have several male friends that want to either date you and/or get in your pants. But for whatever reason, they haven’t made their intentions clear. I’m not saying all your male friends want to date you or sleep with you, but you should certainly consider that it’s very likely that some of them do. What’s more surprising according to the study, is that these male friends often will assume that you’re interested in them as well. Many women have been surprised to have a male friend suddenly confess his feelings, seemingly out of the blue, and you might be next.
He tries to be supportive and help you
Helping you out is a common way for men to show you that they care about you while trying to prove that they have the resources to improve your life. They’re possibly attempting to show you that they can be great partners. It could be offering to help you change the tires of your car or fix your sink. But it could also be much softer and traditionally feminine, like being a really good listener as you complain about your ex-boyfriend. If a guy is being unusually supportive, take it as a sign of potential interest.
He messages you out of the blue
If you suddenly receive a message from a guy you didn’t expect, it’s very possible that he’s interested. He might ask you a question about work or school that seems innocent, but it may be a way for him to begin interacting with you so that he can check your interest level and eventually ask you out. This is likely if he follows it up with more messages. You might get the feeling that he’s trying his best to carry the conversation and provoke you into replying by writing interesting or funny messages, or by asking you a lot of questions.
He asks you to hang out
An interested guy might also ask you to hang out. For example to events or hanging out with friends. Notice that this is also common for men who just want to be your friend. So that’s why it can oftentimes be confusing to suss out if he’s interested in friendship or something more. But in either case, it’s possibly an indicator of interest. Especially so if he’s asking you to hang out just the two of you. For example by grabbing a drink after work, or having lunch somewhere in private.
He compliments you
If a guy compliments you, especially about your appearance, that’s often a sign that a guy is interested in you. For example, he might say something like “I like your smile”, “I like your eyes”, “I like your hair” or similar statements. A guy may do this to try to make you feel better, but it could also be an attempt to show that he’s interested in you. Guys may also compliment your personality in different ways. For example by calling you “kind”, “nice”, “brave”, “smart”, and so on.
He playfully teases you
If a guy playfully teases you, that’s a very typical sign of interest. Keep in mind that there’s a difference between mean-spirited teasing and playful teasing. If he tries to do it in a fun and playful way, then it could be a sign of interest. Playful teasing is also something people consider flirting. So you can include any flirting behavior under this point as well. Guys will sometimes flirt just for practice or amusement, so pay attention if he playfully teases everyone or if he just teases you. If it’s just you, then it’s more likely that he’s interested. If he teases everyone equally, then you should assume that this is just part of his personality and doesn’t necessarily indicate interest. Although remember that some men are very desperate and their reason for flirting with everyone is that they’re open to having sex with nearly everyone.
But what about the flip side? We cannot only discuss indicators of interest because then you might just go looking for those and ignore any signs of disinterest that might show up.
Here are some signs that he’s possibly disinterested:
Look of contempt
If a guy looks disgusted, angry, or annoyed when you get close to him or try to talk to him, it’s perhaps the clearest sign of disinterest. This means “stay away”. Another way to show contempt is to roll his eyes or respond with complete silence when you try to contribute to the conversation. The famous relationship Researcher John M. Gottman found that signs of contempt are the most accurate predictor of divorce. It’s a very bad sign.
He seems more interested in your friend
You might have noticed a guy you’re talking to seems to be looking over at your friend frequently. He might even go as far as to ask you several questions about your friend. When he talks to you, he might have a neutral expression, but when your friend approaches he suddenly gets flustered. These are probably signs that he likes your friend more than you.
He gives you short, disinterested replies
It’s normal to interact with people through some kind of social media or messaging app these days. If you continuously get short, disinterested replies then it is usually an indicator that he is not that interested. If you just started talking, that might be normal. But if it continues for longer periods he’s probably permanently disinterested.
He tells you that he’s not interested
It might seem surreal that I have to include this point, but it is extremely common for people who are crushing on someone to ignore this signal. They might think that “he’s not interested now, but he might get interested later”. Or they will tell themselves that he’s just playing hard to get. Perhaps they will even come up with a plan to make him interested. These are all bad ideas. If a guy tells you he’s not interested - believe him, and try to move on to someone else that’s interested. People rarely change their minds about something like this if he has made such a definitive statement. It can be confusing because a man might tell you this after he was interested in the past, but now he has lost interest due to something you said or did. Later in the article, I discuss what to do if you encounter both positive and negative signals.
He turns down your date proposals
If you ask a man out several times, and every time you ask, he’s either busy or makes excuses for why he can’t meet you, it’s probable that he’s just not interested. There are of course exceptions to this. He might legit be busy, but if he’s interested he might propose an alternative date and time. Being turned down once usually doesn’t mean much, but if this happens twice or thrice in a row, that’s when you should probably assume he’s just not interested and stop asking him out.
He blocks you on social media
This should be pretty obvious as well. If a guy blocks you, he’s probably annoyed with you and his interest level is quite low. Leave him alone. It’s probably better to invest your time towards other men if he resorts to blocking you. This is one of the strongest signs of disinterest there is.
He tells you about someone else he likes
If he tells you that he likes someone else, or asks you if you believe that some other person is interested in him, chances are that he has his mind set on this other person. He might be using you to get closer to the person he fancies, or get tips from you on how to get in touch with that other person. In either case, if a guy tells you about another person he likes, take it as a sign that he’s probably not romantically or sexually interested in you.
He takes several days to respond or doesn’t respond at all
Someone who either ghosts you completely (stops responding to your messages), or always takes several days to respond is likely disinterested for the time being. He might be interested later if it’s convenient for him to have sex with you, but he’s not interested at the moment. Some men are the exception to this rule. If he shows a lot of enthusiasm when you meet in person that’s a good thing, but often those men are then looking for sex only. You can read more about if a man is interested in sex or something long-term here.
He is always busy
Very similar to not responding is being very busy. Many have busy lives and granted, it’s expected that at times we’re busier than unusual. Some men prioritize their careers over relationships and sex. This means that they’re generally not that interested in dating, and therefore also not that interested in dating you. If a guy has periods of being busy, don’t read too much into it. But if he’s always busy, then you would be wise to assume that he’s not interested.
He gives you the impression that he finds you dumb
If the guy is frequently annoyed that you don’t know something, or he comments that your thoughts are “dumb” or “silly” or similar negative judgemental statements, it’s a sign that he’s likely disinterested. Keep in mind that just because he may act this way, it doesn’t mean that he’s smarter than you. He may just be more knowledgeable in a particular area. However, the fact that he acts superior and judgemental about it is the main issue. It means he looks down upon you and this is also frequently coupled with the look of contempt that we mentioned was another strong sign of disinterest.
Next, let’s discuss some common pitfalls because there are some situations where it’s difficult to make sense of the signs.
How to interpret confusing signals
What does it mean if a man shows you some signs of interest, but other signs of disinterest? This can be confusing. For example, a guy might send you long involved text messages, but somehow also turn down any attempt to meet up. He might have sex with you but then block you afterward. He can agree to go on a date with you, but during the date only show contempt. Or any other combinations you can think of. There are two principles you should follow to get the best estimate of his current interest level.
When words and behavior don’t align, trust the behavior
Behavior is harder to fake than words because it takes more effort to follow through with behavior. So let’s say a guy says that he wants to meet you. But when you propose an actual time and place to meet, he backs out every time. It is more likely that he is disinterested. While his words clearly state that he wants to meet, he doesn’t do it. So the behavior reveals the truth: he doesn’t want to meet, at least not now. If the guy is a sweet talker, yet he doesn’t follow through with actions, you may also enjoy our article Why doesn’t he make a move?
New signs are more accurate than old signs
Men can often go from showing interest to disinterest very quickly and seemingly without any clear reason. This confuses many because they were noticing all these great signs, and then suddenly a few ominous signs show up in a row. In this situation, you should trust the latest indicators more than the earlier signs. So let’s say that he was giving you a lot of compliments and being physically affectionate on a date, but the next time you meet him, he treats you with contempt and looks annoyed any time you talk. In this scenario, you should assume that he’s not interested because his latest behavior is a more accurate reflection of what he is currently feeling compared to his old behavior. He was perhaps interested in the past, but not anymore. Why did that happen? Who knows. He might have met a person he likes more, or you may have done or said something to turn him off.
Lastly, the second common pitfall is to only see what you want to see, or only see what matches your existing worldview.
Focusing only on signs that confirm your suspicions
We tend to look for information that fits with our worldview and discard information that counters it. If you believe a man is interested in you, then you might look for signs that confirm this hypothesis. Alternatively, if you believe that he is not interested in you, then you will probably look for signs of disinterest to confirm that belief. This tendency is called confirmation bias and it is something we are all vulnerable to. Beware of this, and try to keep a neutral stance when evaluating his interest level. Your default stance should almost always be that you don’t know if he’s interested. That is a healthy and scientific place to be, even if that often feels uncomfortable if you’re not used to adopting this mindset.
Your self-image can trick you
Many of us have a certain sense of our attractiveness level. We might see ourselves as deserving goddesses, or as unlovable people who never will find anyone. This self-image is often somewhat distorted. And unfortunately, it can also cause us to miss important signs or make the wrong assumptions. For example, if you believe you’re very attractive and that men generally like you, you might begin to notice signs left and right that men are interested because that’s what you’re looking for. When you spot these signs it can enhance your self-image and improve your confidence.
Having a slight positive bend to reality can be beneficial because men tend to like women that have a positive self-image. But keep in mind that if you go overboard with the positive self-image you’re entering into the narcissistic spectrum, and that can lead to several problems. For one, you might refuse to accept any signs of disinterest, so you could end up stalking men or bothering them when they have no interest in you.
Lastly, if you have a poor self-image, you might only look for signs of disinterest and ignore any sign that a man is interested in you. This can lead to the world-view that you’re inherently unlovable and that no man is interested in you. Sadly, this can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy since it robs you of confidence and happiness - which are both attractive qualities. If this description strikes a chord with you, I recommend seeking out a professional therapist.
Summary
There’s no way to tell with 100% accuracy if a man is interested in you. This means you might have to take some risks to find out if he is interested, like asking him out on a date, or having premarital sex. There are some signs of interest you could look for, but they are merely indications and not to be taken as concrete evidence. It’s best to try to have an open mind when it comes to guessing someone’s interest level. Assume that you don’t know for sure what he feels, but make an educated guess. Be mindful of the fact that we tend to look for signs that confirm our preexisting beliefs about ourselves and about the man we’re thinking of. Best of luck to all of you who made it to the end of this article. You are now a low-level expert regarding how to tell if he is interested romantically or sexually. If you haven’t already, I recommend also reading the companion article: Is he just interested in sex or something more?
